Pushing Guilt

A coworker recently got back from the Susan G Komen Walk for Cancer.  For months leading up to this walk, there was a poster on her office door for it that read: “Everyone deserves a lifetime.”

I appreciate that there is a company so dedicated to finding a cure for breast cancer–as well as the people who undertake the fundraising that comes with it–and I (thankfully) don’t know how it must feel to have lost (or almost lose) someone to that disease.  So let me say right off the bat that I have no objection to what this walk is trying to do, nor to my coworker putting in her time and energy to take part in it.

What I object to is the phrase that was used to get people excited about it:  “Everyone deserves a lifetime.”

Everyone already HAS a lifetime.  Regardless of whether it lasts two days, two years, or over a century; from the moment we’re born, we’re living our lifetime.  Whatever experiences we live during that allotted time, ALSO constitutes our lifetime.  They’re not always happy, nor are they always miserable, but whatever hand we’re each dealt . . . that’s our lifetime.

So a phrase like this seems like nothing more than a play on your guilt or sympathies. It’s like saying “You should feel bad because Jane Q Public died (or almost died) from breast cancer, but if you give us money, we’ll consider that penance for living a life she never got to live,” but shortened up to fit nicely on posters and T-shirts.

I’m all for making advances in science to help detect disease far enough in advance to be able to save as many lives as possible, and I’m sure that’s the true message the Walk for Cancer was trying to get across.  I just wish they’d use different slogans than those designed to play on people’s sympathies.

I think the reason I dislike the guilt-inducing marketing campaigns so much is because I’m quite susceptible to feeling guilty already . . . I don’t need someone else to try to make me feel that way.

I was a fairly easy kid to raise.  I didn’t get into trouble too often, and if I ever tried to lie to my mom, I would eventually come to her and fess up, crying through my confession because I felt so guilty for not being honest with her in the first place.  She actually told me that whenever she said “I’m really disappointed in you,” for something I’d done that she didn’t like, I would bawl my eyes out in my room.  It was worse than if she’d spanked me (which she didn’t have to do often, either).

So because I’m so sensitive to guilt, I really hate it when someone tries to force that feeling on me, or anyone else. Whenever I see or hear something like that, my hackles instantly rise, and it makes me not want to feel the emotion “they” are pushing so hard on me.  I’ve actually done this with people; if someone tries too hard to get my attention, I end up ignoring them, just on principle.

I know the phrase above is a marketing ploy (and believe me, I’ll post my rant on marketing ploys soon enough), and I know it wouldn’t be used if it weren’t effective, but I personally think the campaign could’ve been just as successful if they’d used something closer to the slogans they’ve got on their website.  The different stories of the women shown on the home page are of a much more positive spin, and would be just as persuasive in getting people to care.  It would be a “Look at all the people who have survived because of the money raised during our walks” sort of sentiment.

There might be some people who aren’t inspired to help unless their guilt is triggered, so maybe some good does come out of it, but I’d personally like it if companies would use positive emotions to inspire people, rather than playing them like puppets.

Acceptance Does Not Beget Apathy

“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

As much as I admire some of the things that Dr. King accomplished and tried to accomplish in his lifetime, I have to disagree with his statement above. This comment is like many others I’ve heard bandied around in the last few years; that acceptance is akin to apathy, which in turn is just as dangerous as those who perform evil deeds.

But is it really being apathetic to simply accept life the way it is?

ap·a·thy =  absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement

Don’t mistake accepting something for liking it, or for having no emotion about it.  I accept that people die violent deaths all the time.  Doesn’t mean I like it, just as I don’t like the physical pain I feel in my gut when I hear about or see things like that.  All it means is that I understand this sort of thing happens, and don’t choose to get myself all riled up to try to change it.  I feel my sorrow, and move on.

I understand and accept that the Holocaust happened, but I certainly DO NOT like that so many people were tortured, killed, or worse during that time in history.  That’s something I’m very emotional about, and I cry every time I’m faced with some remnant of that horrible atrocity.  I especially don’t like that there are people today who carry that same hatred toward others, or that still others don’t even believe it happened in the first place.  But I’m not going to stand on some soap box somewhere, screaming at the top of my lungs to get those who do to change their mind.  Why?  Because I don’t believe it’s my place to tell them how to live.

I personally follow the Taoist beliefs when it comes to my outlook on life.  According to Lao-tse, who was considered a master of Taoism, “…the more man interfere[s] with the natural balance produced and governed by the universal laws, the further away the harmony retreat[s] into the distance.”  He believed that “…everything had its own nature already within it, which could not be violated without causing difficulties.”

In The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff talks about the picture to the right, titled The Vinegar Tasters, and explains that “From the Taoist point of view, sourness and bitterness come from the interfering and unappreciative mind.”  Lao-tse is shown to be smiling, because he accepts the bitter taste of the vinegar as being what it is, rather than wanting it to be something different.  In his view “When abstract and arbitrary rules [are] imposed from the outside, struggle [is] inevitable. Only then [does] life become sour.”

I believe that there must be good, as well as evil, in order for there to be true balance.  This is true of people and situations both.  There are those who want to do “evil” things, those who want to stop said “evil,” and those who accept that this dance will go on forever.  The players and prizes may change, but the games/fights are essentially the same.

Billy Joel put this sentiment very nicely in his song Angry Young Man:

I believe I’ve passed the age
Of consciousness and righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight
I once believed in causes too
I had my pointless point of view
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right

While I’m not personally itching to jump into the fray and change the world, I do think it’s good that there are people out there who are so charged up about making it a better place.  We clearly need people like that, and we’d never make any progress without them.  But, I don’t like when those same people try to make me out to be “on the side of evil” for not joining them in whatever fight they feel needs to be fought.

I don’t subscribe to the beliefs that ridding the world of smoking/gas-powered-cars/guns/politicians/[latest cause of the moment] will make the world a largely better place.  Nor do I believe that we need to try to attain some sort of Utopia in order to achieve true happiness.  Instead, I choose to accept the world, and my place in it, as best I can.  I do have my opinions that I will express to anyone interested in listening (or reading), but I’ve no desire to try to change people or the world into who I think they should be.

That doesn’t make me apathetic, and it certainly doesn’t put me on the side of evil.  It just means that there are other places where I feel my energy is better used.

Worth A Second Glance

I love movies.  I love going to the theater and becoming engrossed in story for a couple hours.  However, I rarely pay attention to critics’ reviews of movies.  Too many times, it seems that they’re judging a movie based on criteria that seems better left to the Academy Awards judging committee.  Who cares if the cinematography is amazing in some movie?  Tell me about the story!  Was it compelling?  Did it suck you in?

I used to pay attention to reviews . . . until the critics panned movies that I personally felt were completely wonderful, or praised films that I found dull or annoying.  In this blog, I’ll discuss some of the movies that I think received bum reviews (I’ll discuss the overrated ones another time).

Hook

According to Rotten Tomatoes, Steven Spielberg “…directs on autopilot…” in this movie, and Hal Hinson from The Washington Post claims “…it’s not a movie for which you can build a deep affection.”

I have to respectfully disagree, Mr. Hinson.  I can’t help but get all sentimental whenever I watch this movie.  I personally find it magical to watch Peter Banning realize that he’s actually Peter Pan from Mr. Barrie’s story, all grown up.  I feel Peter’s frustration when the Lost Boys take him under their wings, in an attempt to help him remember his roots, and even feel his joy when he finally realizes that his happy thought was his son being born.  And when Granny Wendy asks the newly-reborn Peter Pan to “…give us a skwunge…” I erupt into happy tears every single time.

Yes, the Lost Boys’ hideout looks like it was done in a sound stage, but that’s because it WAS!  There are so many movies that are done in the same fashion that people love that it’s ridiculous that people pooh-poohed this movie for that very same thing.

Atlantis

Susan Wloszczyna from USA Today claims Atlantis “…remains lost as it vaporizes from memory…” and Entertainment Weekly gave it a C+, calling it a “…Disney dud…”

A Disney dud???  This movie was a wonderful adventure, taking us far below the surface of the Earth to find a lost civilization that we see is still surviving, though it’s on its last legs.  There’s humor, romance, action, and the bad guy(s) get their comeuppance.  What’s more impressive (to me, at least) is that they do this all without the trademark songs and cute animal sidekicks that you normally find in a Disney animated film.  Not that I don’t enjoy those elements in an animated film, but it’s not always necessary, and can often detract from the film (Pocahontas could have been a better movie without them).  This is a gem of a movie that should NOT be overlooked.

I also want to throw The Princess and the Frog, and Tangled into the “overlooked animated movie” category.  These two films were AMAZING!  The stories were strong, the characters, ditto, and the music of both was so wonderful that I actually bought the soundtracks off of Amazon.  I haven’t bought an animated movie soundtrack since Disney’s Hercules.  How these two movies were overlooked in the Best Song category, I still can’t figure out.  Tangled has some lovely songs, especially I See the Light.  And from Almost There, to Dig a Little Deeper, the entire soundtrack of The Princess and the Frog is a mecca of N’awlins Jazz and Southern Baptist style music.  Songs of similar quality from movies like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin actually won the Oscar for Best Song when they came out, so I’m not sure what happened here, but I think the Academy needs to rethink what they deem “quality” movies and music.

Just so you don’t think it’s only kid’s movies that I feel were overlooked, I’d also like to submit for your viewing pleasure:

The Truman Show

While I don’t think this movie was panned, per se–and while Jim Carrey did win a Golden Globe for his performance–this movie was nominated for only three Oscars (none of them “Best Actor” for Jim), and didn’t win any of them!  The Truman Show is such an amazing testament to the spirit of being yourself, despite what “the world” wants you to be or do!  I still get choked up every time I see Truman decide to opt for the unknown (and possibly less-safe) world than the one he’s known all his life, that was created specifically for him.  It might not be the same type of emotional story as was shown in Life is Beautiful, Saving Private Ryan, or The Thin Red Line (all three of which were nominated that year), but it’s still a worthy example of the indomitable human spirit.

And for those of you who don’t care for Mr. Carrey’s movies, I beg you to give this a chance anyway.  It’s not his typical movie.  It’s magical enough that you might even forget it’s Jim in the role.

For those of you who haven’t seen any of the movies I’ve listed, PLEASE, take a chance on one of them.  I can almost guarantee you’ll find something worthwhile in them, and who knows?  You might end up enjoying them even more than you thought you would.

Owning Yourself

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

A friend of mine on Facebook posted this quote, and I started to type a response, but the response got so long that I realized I was compelled to devote an entire blog entry to this subject.  I’ve let my opinions on conformity be known several times here, so I’m sure it won’t surprise you that I agree wholeheartedly with what Herr Nietzche wrote.

Even before I fully understood the importance of owning myself, I lived this way.  From grade school through high school, I was picked on and teased for not “fitting in.”  At the time, I didn’t understand why I was being ostracized–just as I believe most of my classmates didn’t fully understand why they picked on me so–but no matter how much I was teased, I refused to cave in to peer pressure, because my mom taught me to think for myself.

There were many days I went home from school and cried, because I couldn’t figure out why the students didn’t like me.  My mom kept telling me that it was because they didn’t understand me, and she told me that I had a choice.  I could either give in and be how they wanted me to be (in order to be accepted), or I could continue to be myself, hold my head high around them, and act like nothing they said even registered.  I chose the second option, and built a barrier around myself whenever they were near.  Their taunts grew more vociferous in an effort to find a chink in the armor I’d carefully erected, but the more they teased me, the more I knew that I didn’t want to be like them, even if it did mean the name-calling would stop.

If I had given in to what my peers were trying to do to me, I wouldn’t respect myself nearly as much as I do today.  That respect came with a price, and it took many years to achieve, but I can honestly sit here now and know that I am who I want to be; not who someone else wants me to be.

Even lately, it’s been brought to my attention that I blog about some issues that many authors wouldn’t, because they’d opt for the “safer” routes, so as not to ostracize readers with polarizing opinions.  Not that anyone has told me I shouldn’t; quite the opposite, in fact.  I’ve been called “gutsy” or “brave” for posting some of my blogs.  But they make a valid point that, somewhere down the road of my career, I might have to face losing some fans, due to a differing opinion or a “how could you?” sort of huff.

When I began this blog, I did avoid writing about some topics–especially those politically themed–because I don’t pay enough attention to politics to be certain my opinions are very factual, and because I didn’t want to piss people off.  But as time wore on, I began to feel that avoiding certain topics wasn’t being true to myself, which made me feel like a hypocrite.

So while it might be true that I may lose readers from time to time, I hope others will subscribe to my blog because I write what I feel and believe.  I certainly hope that the YA audience I write for will appreciate my straightforward approach.  I might not always be right, but at least I’ll be honest to who I am.

I encourage others to do the same thing, regardless of which side of whatever fence you’re on.  If you’re a Democrat, born into a family of Republicans (or vice versa), BE that!   If you don’t agree with something I’ve written, TELL me (and thank you to those of you who already do).  Whatever you believe though, I beg of you to make sure it’s what you truly believe, deep inside of yourself.  Don’t jump on the popular or family bandwagon, just to be accepted by others.  Be willing to endure the censure of your friends and family to be true to yourself.  If you so desperately want acceptance and camaraderie, seek out those who believe as you do.  In a world as populated as ours, there’s bound to be a few thousand who share your viewpoint(s).

But until you find like-minded individuals, dig deep within yourself and find the strength to withstand all the pressure from those who disagree with you.  Allow yourself the moments of grief, of crying at home from all the pain their taunts might cause.  If you can do that, you’ll come out a much stronger person, I guarantee you.  Your hide will get thicker and tougher, and the names people want to call you will just bounce off, until you eventually (hopefully) get to a place where you hardly hear them being said, or better yet, are able to leave the comments on the doorstep of the person who said them.

There are those who will want you to live the way they say is best.  But the truth of the matter is that they don’t know who YOU are.  Not really.  How can they, when they’re not you?

Bottom line, if you’re living a life that someone else has convinced you to want, I don’t see how you can truly respect yourself.

I know I couldn’t.