Channeling Woody Allen

I admit it, I’m a bit neurotic.  This is something I’ve recently had to admit to myself.  I’ve never cared for Woody Allen or his films, and I often don’t get what’s termed “Jewish humor,” so it’s understandable that it’s taken me so long to discover this idiosyncrasy of mine.  And it’s really only been in the last couple of years that I’ve noticed it more and more.

I don’t worry about big things too often, because I feel that life will generally work itself out.  No, me?  I LOOK for things to worry about.  And again, it’s not about big things.  I have no daytime nightmares that the car will break down, or that someone close to me is going to die.  When I have a true sense of calm in my life, that’s when my inner critic decides to rear its head.  I start picking myself and my actions or thoughts apart until I drive myself crazy from over-analyzing.

My neurosis tends to come out most when things in my life are going well; like now.  I’ve got a great paying job.  I live in a town I love.  I’m taking steps toward a career I really enjoy, and have other artistic outlets.  I’m even in a relationship more wonderful than I ever imagined I could have.  So why my brain feels the need to find something to worry about, I don’t know.

Part of it stems from how I was raised, I’m sure.  My mom has always loved psychology, and uses it to help her understand herself and why she does things.  She wanted my brother and I to reap the same benefits, so when we were younger, she would often ask us questions like “Why do you think you chose to do that?” or “How would you punish your child if s/he did that same thing?”  The latter one was how we picked our own discipline, or as she called it, deprivation.

Don’t get me wrong, I found this way of child-rearing very useful for me and enjoyed it for the most part.  For one, it showed that she regarded us as full human beings, able to think and reason for ourselves.  She didn’t talk down to us, but rather with us, to help us become more well-rounded and mature.

The other reason I thank my mom for this method of nurturing is because I enjoy finding out what makes me (and others) tick.  I feel that understanding myself more helps me to understand my fellow humans, too.  Analyzing the reasons for the things I do teaches me acceptance of myself, which in turn affords me the ability to accept others.  I just wish I knew how to keep my inner analyst from showing up when there’s no good reason.

I wonder if I over-scrutinize because somewhere deep in my psyche I feel it’s “wrong” to be so happy, or maybe my brain just really enjoys working out a puzzle, and feels dusty with nothing to “solve.”

Even now, what am I doing?  I’ve exposed my inner therapist for all to read.

Now that I’m able to recognize this aspect of myself, I’d like to think that will help me on my quest to quiet my inner questioner.  Craig and my mom are doing what they can by asking me if I’m just worrying to have something to worry about, whenever I come to them with a random examination.  And they do it in a nice or fun way, not in an exasperated “Jeez, Alyx!  Can’t ya just turn that brain of yours off for a minute?!” which is how my inner critic would sound.

Now I wonder why I would be that mean to myself . . .   😉

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Maddy
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 08:18:39

    Those ‘inner conversations’ seem to affect most people. I ‘allow’ myself to think like this for a period of time but when I find I’m starting another cycle then I just tell my self ‘enough’ and go and do something else, otherwise I’d spend my whole time second guessing myself. Tha’s when it’s a really good time to go out and walk the dog [or write].

    Reply

    • Alyx Morgan
      Apr 20, 2012 @ 08:30:24

      How awesome that you’re able to tell yourself “enough,” & find something else to do, Maddy! Those suggestions sound like really good ideas, too. I’ll have to see if I can adopt them.

      Thanks for stopping by today.

      Reply

  2. sfatheistfitz
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 10:24:06

    I suspect there’s an evolutionary advantage to having a worrier in the group; from a survival standpoint, it’s usually better to worry too much than not enough… But from a personal standpoint, of course, it sucks!
    (cracks whip) Back, Brain! Back!
    -D

    Reply

    • Alyx Morgan
      Apr 20, 2012 @ 10:47:17

      LOL Yeah, I could see how it could be “useful,” except that I don’t worry about things that pertain to “survival” issues. When those things come up, my brain just goes right into how-to-solve/fix mode. I become very calm & very single-minded in my energy.

      Thanks for stopping by, D. 😉

      Reply

  3. Dana
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 21:16:12

    I have found that I tend to be in permanent “fight or flight” mode because of the stress and trauma of moving up here, leaving my husband, finding a new job… etc. I got so used to being stressed that when things were going well, my brain would frantically scramble for reasons to stress out. I’m working very hard to overcome that because it’s a great way to die young.

    Reply

    • Alyx Morgan
      Apr 20, 2012 @ 21:47:44

      You pose an interesting thing for me to ponder, Dana. Does my brain frantically sramble for something to worry about because I’m “used” to that level of stress, & feel weird without it? Hmmm…

      I absolutely agree that it’s not a healthy thing, & I, too, am trying to overcome it.

      Thanks for stopping by, Dana. 🙂

      Reply

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